The Steven Seagal Formula
What follows is the formula you must follow for a successful Steven Seagal movie. These rules can be bent or even ignored from time to time, but most of them must be followed for the movie to be a success.Character
Cop or Cop-Like person (DEA, FBI, CIA, Marine etc, someone capable of kicking a lot of ass and not getting hurt a single bit).
Two or three words (usually) going by: 'verb preposition noun' or 'verb article noun'. For instance 'Out for Justice', 'Above the Law'. There can also be two prepositions or a preposition and an article or conjunction if needed, ie 'Out for a Kill'. Two word titles should go by the formula: 'verb noun' or 'adjective noun'. In the rare case of a one-word title always use a noun, but never a very menacing one. 'Ticker' and 'Clementine' are good examples. There are breaks from these formulas of course but sticking to it works best. It's also imperative that the title says a little as possible about the movie. Extra points if you can stick the words 'Steven Seagal is' right before the title and have it make sense (but not necessary). Good examples of Seagal movie titles would be: 'Back in the Game', 'Keeping it Cool', 'Deadly Finds' and 'Chestnut'.
Someone Seagal knows gets killed and he has to get to the center of some sort of gang or trouble to sort it all out, beating up and killing as many people as possible along the way. Men, women, children, cats, patio furniture; none of it is safe. Also there needs to be lots of guns and Seagal can not get hurt or killed (an exception to the last rule can be made once in a while though). Extra points if the plot involves drug dealers or terrorists.
A close-up of Seagal holding a gun. Seagal must be the largest person on the poster, and if someone else is the same size as him, he needs to be obscuring their body. In the event that he is not holding a gun (for whatever reason) Seagal's face must be larger than normal, taking up as much poster space as possible. Tinting the poster blue is recommended but not necessary. A large explosion in the background is an acceptable alternative to a blue tint as well.
Now that you're an expert Seagalologist, you can create your own fake Seagal movies to impress your colleagues with. I'll get you started:
'The Columbian drug cartel has finally met its match.'
In this movie Steven Segal plays an undercover FBI agent who is investigating a drug cartel in Columbia. However, during the investigation his wife is brutally murdered, though it may or may not have been done by drug dealers. Notice the plot involves two Seagal staples; murder of a loved one, and drug dealers. Seagal playing an FBI agent only adds to the points. Also notice the poster features a closeup of Seagal tinted blue and holding a gun. The explosion, while perhaps not necessary, ads a nice orange to contrast the blue of Seagal's face and hand. And of course the title follows the two-word rule perfectly.
So there you have it. The best part about creating a Seagal movie is that making up the plot is pretty easy (though you may want to deviate from the formula slightly just to keep it interesting) and making the poster is a snap. Just search Google for images of explosions and/or guns and then tint a portion of the poster blue. Remember that if Seagal isn't holding a weapon, his face should take up a large portion of the poster, and under no circumstances should another person on the poster be larger than Seagal. Also if you want to create a fake IMDB page to add to the fun, that will only make your Seagal movie better, though this step requires a bit more work.